“The Inevitability of Change” comes swiftly these days. All in the same day the Great Mohammad Ali passes while losing my way with not coming to terms to theI do not mess up often in life, but when I do. I do it BIG… This time having to come to terms with bending the rules for the better part of 18 years of my life. Making excuses the whole time. Finding loopholes in my logic to continue to do the same thing over and over expecting a different result. The insane mind of thinking that is. Excuses are just that, excuses. However, I see them as just factors in a bigger equation. Just variables that make up a train of thought. Here, excuses make up the train of thought that is, “It’s Not My Fault.” Oh, but it is…
This is… All… My… Fault… I will own it!!!
I really need to take my own advice at things in life and not just assume I am beyond those issues because I have the foresight of seeing the potential for them before they happen. That isn’t insane… That is… I have been downright stupid… Now this time I find myself in trouble with the law. Seems like its every 8 years or so my brain skips a beat and now I have a price to pay. Nothing overly serious. I am not going anywhere just some fines, classes and my life is pretty much in harder work mode for about 6 months. This is not new. My life was already heading in that direction and this is just the wake-up call that was needed to get the car started and moving forward. Just faster than I would like.
I can sit here and make excuse after excuse. I am not going to do that. I am just going to own it, do the work that is required and press forward like I always do. However, the change in me is where my attitude is. For too long I have been overly aggressive/assertive and not been as humble as I need to be the human I want to be. I always wanted to go forward, blunt force style so that I could stand up and say I did it all on my own and no one helped me. Well, that is a lie if I never told one. We all have/had help along the way. All of us have. A buddy of mine texted me and told me this.
“So sorry dude… But I have a lot of respect for you that you have always taken responsibility for your own actions. Some of these knuckleheads today want to blame everyone but themselves. Guess it’s time to just focus on fitness!!!”
My response was,I have ignored things for so long, a trait I picked up from my ole man, that now its time to get started. Something I should have done about 20 years ago. Start acting my age, over, acting like a rebellious jock frat boy who never has anything to lose. I have a free life to lose. I have my mind to lose. I have the love and respect of my friends and family to lose. I have done such a great job in 3 years getting my mental state right that I have allowed, in one night, to almost lose that, but allow other things to fall in the cracks. Mostly my medical health. Let’s face it. I am sick and even though I have made huge strides I am not healed. I just acted like I was cause it was easier to do. Again, not taking the advice I give out to so many people. Basically just doing the opposite because it was easier to do.
Since I lost my real estate job back in 2013 I have been just coasting through life. Yeah, I have worked hard,. Everything else has been a damn joke. I haven’t really worked full time and if I did it was crap money. I started doing more things I wanted to do over things I needed to do. That now stops. I am a scheduler… I cannot do things spontaneously anymore, but now I need to schedule the big stuff down. Get through this trouble I got myself into, get some health/dental insurance so I can start getting my health straight. All this other stuff I wanna do is just wants and I don’t really need it, its there to distract me from the stresses of my needs and life. My partying revolves right around that and goes all the way back to when I was in my late teens of not wanting to be alone or have a family/life of my own. Well, I am not alone… The sheer fact that since 2012 when I started losing all this weight my physical ability to handle alcohol has diminished considerably. I can still drink mind you, but after 2 or 3, that is pretty much my limit then it’s obvious I am intoxicated. I used to be able to mask it well, really well, now I just can’t anymore. My mental state is fine. Alcohol never affected me negatively in that way. That is why it was so easy for me to have a few on a Friday and/or Saturday. I have done pretty well with my drinking but like I said. My body can no longer handle it to my liking. However, I would act/behave like it was no big deal. That all has finally hit its mark of catching up with me. I have always said, one should drink to celebrate something. What the hell am I celebrating just about every Friday/Saturday for 20 years? Life? Well, I am not, was never rich… Pretty much single my whole adult life. No real great career or career goals, just coasting… I was bored… I was lonely…. Stressed and/or Depressed. Never a reason to drink. However, I made it justified and did it anyway.
The last 18 months I have had all kinds of warning signs that told me to stop and just find something new to do to make you feel the same way. Yeah, I was working towards that goal, but for the most part, I ignored it too much either. I do something really well. When I get knocked down I bounce back, stronger. I will. That has not changed. Like I said before. Nothing has changed really, but I-Do-Need-To-Change. To change one has to pull the trigger on the building blocks that make up the change. I am now going to do that. It’s ok to admit that I am afraid, because I am and that is why I have never truly done this before. Just in small cases, say with the gym. I am mentally strong. I am not a quitter. I just have a hard time listening, FULLY, to what my subconscious is saying to me. My mind is clear now… I had lost my way, while promoting that I was, indeed on my way. I understand what that means and I am now ready to listen. I am not conforming. However, I am more open to change now than I ever was. In order for me to live a longer, healthier, more deserving life.