Day of the Dead

Today Marks the 1-year anniversary of me being carried off on a stretcher and taken to the ER. Like my 1-year anniversary for not drinking, I am not really sure how I feel and/or reflect about all this. I know the last calendar year I have grown/changed a lot internally. Not just medically/mentally, but internally/spiritually as well. I have changed in so many ways it is hard for me to put it into articulating patterns of words to understand.

I am not one to really air my laundry on “the Facebook.” I know a lot do it but, I do not. I am very transparent about my feelings/thoughts these days just not on this specific platform. Main reason being is people do not read and/or understand what is actually being presented and said. They see the parts they can associate with and run with that. I can tell you from experience this is not the correct way to “get me.”

Not that really anyone should be doing that. You should be doing you and yours. If you consider me part of yours that is great and all. I don’t see it. I have a standard for such things and there are people out here that get that, they know. I make/made the effort.

I am only saying this because it is true from my point of view. I am not screaming for attention or anything of the sort. I actually do not care for much attention. I get what I get from the people I want/need it from and that is it. My circle is very small these days.

You cannot really associate Mineo of 1994-95, 2000-2004, 2009-2012 to Mineo of 2020-2021. I am a completely different person. Sure, some things are the same, but much has changed. I am good with that change. Finally, emotionally, I am in a place where I feel I am solid.

However, mentally, medically, life. No. I am not there. I do not move at the speed in those areas like I used to. I do make progress… It only works when everything is working for me, not against me. I take a step forward only for the Universe to throw me back a few steps and the process starts again.

That was fine and dandy; as I was always able to roll with those punches. However, I cannot do that anymore. I don’t have “that” in my back pocket anymore. Like many things I used to be able to do at a high level, I can no longer do.

If I attempt to do it. I have problems. Problems of the sort that tends to stop whatever show is going on around me. I have “mini” episodes just about every time I leave the house now.

In the case people have not been paying attention today’s anniversary is when I had Covid-19; which sent my diabetes into a rapid black hole where Diabetic Ketoacidosis & Pancreatitis set in. I probably would have not made it through the night if I didn’t call 911 when I did. I had already been sick for 2 weeks at this point and about 3 days deathly ill.

I was in the hospital for 5 days, 3 days after I got out I went blind with edema in both eyes and later diabetic retinopathy. I have had extreme anxiety ever since; that they are saying I have severe PTSD from the experience. I have also had 3 therapists tell me I have bipolar tendencies now in the past 2 months.

With all that said we are a calendar year later and I am only “moderately” better. I still have severe vision issues to a point I do not drive at night. Diabetic Ketoacidosis & Pancreatitis are still there, just dormant. As long as I keep my blood sugars normalized and do not get sick I can live with this. I have had to change the way eat, obviously, but not just for diabetes. The Diabetic Ketoacidosis & Pancreatitis fucks with my digestive track. I try to make smart food choices based on what little money I have and what I can just tolerate.

Do not tell me to go vegan… I am NOT trying to destroy my digestive track, thank you very much… Don’t even get me started on those topics…

Since I am reflecting here I am not really sure how I feel/think. When I tell people I am trying to get well before I try to live again, everything in life that is a distraction to getting me right just gets ignored.

I literally do not see it.

I pretty much have said all this before. If one feels inclined to go read those blogs. Feel free too. I will post links at the credits of this BLOG.

This blog really isn’t well thought out. I am just sitting here free writing. I have found that when I sit to write I can really crank out some words. I can write a 2,000 word blog now in about 2 to 3 hours. After writing the BLOG, rereading it, correcting grammar and such. I feel pretty good about that.

I know most of you will not read 1,000 words, let alone 2,000 words. My Facebook is crazy on how narrow the vision is with people of what is actually being said in a post. It has gotten so bad I hardly ever post directly onto the Facebook anymore. I will post on my IG and it will auto-post to Facebook when I want it to. When I post on Instagram it is for my Instagram followers. The intention is going there. I realize I know most of the people in some way on my Facebook, but it is not like that on my Instagram. I follow way more people there and most of them I do not know and they do not know me.

However, I have made some really great, real, and important friends there. To a point where I value their friendship in a more important way than I do with people I have been friends with in the world for decades.

It is why I feel like there is a huge disconnect between the Facebook, its people and I, in relation to, well, relations. I feel like people see me now but really see “that old Mineo from VAMS/VHS/MCC years.”

Yeah… That guy doesn’t exist anymore. He hasn’t in a long while now. The best I can remember maybe as far back as 2013 when my health first started giving me real problems. At that point; me disconnecting from “that life” had begun. By 2016 and 2017 I was too busy to worry about all that, including my health. I had another really bad issue and life shifted again.

The point I am trying to make here is that if you think you know me. You don’t. Things have changed. If you haven’t been around in the last 18 months or so and we do not talk at all you do not know me very well. Some loose associations, sure. I am very disconnected when compared to the last time we hung out as friends. I am saying this not to be mean or an asshole or anything. It is just true. I cannot entertain people and pretend I am good to go when I am not. I am not even sure if I would be able to bring you into the fold either. Sure, I will believe I can, but I honestly do not know.

I do not know what I can take before I start to have issues and just shutdown. When I feel overwhelmed I shutdown. I do not respond to people or anything. I just leave, go back to my hole, do something I enjoy and start the process again in the morning. I cannot apologize for this and I won’t.

It kind of feels like being a new person of sorts. I like my small circle. I do not require being the center of that circle. For a long time I did. I wanted to be number 1 and in multiple circles. I pulled it off at some moments in life. However, that wasn’t me and it actually has some responsibility of “how I got here right now.”

In some respect this is exactly what my soul needed. The issue is now L.I.V.N. Livin’… I need just a few things to go right and I can handle the rest. I wrote this more for me than I did for you all. As I already know, few will read this. Obviously, if you are reading this, it isn’t from Facebook. The link, sure, but these words are not on that Fuckin’ Thing…

Below are links to the other blogs directly associated to this topic. Might be interesting. There are more details as to the specifics, as I saw them, during the time of writing. These are my feelings about it all now, exactly one year to the day and the actual time I made that call. As I wrap this up that hour just approached.

Day of the Dead
David-Angelo Mineo
1,525 Words
Blog 1
Blog 2